Sunday, October 18, 2009

I Ain't Crazy, No Yes I Am

1, 2, 3rd floor, hospital bound. I know, it is extremely late over on this end. However, I had an epiphany. I have always known what unconditional love was. However, any love I felt has never been tested. For instance, my best friend, who might as well be my brother, has never tested our friendship. I get along with him perfectly. I know what he's thinking even when he doesn't at the time and vice versa. I've known him since I've come into the world, literally. Therefore, we've never had any problems. I am not complaining either. When it came to girls, I rarely ever said it. To this day, only three girls in my life have ever heard it. To be honest, I had weird ways of showing it. My actions didn't correspond with my words. I felt it in my heart, but I didn't know how to express it. Especially, when the first one ended very horribly, it killed me and I was so bitter. I honestly erased this person out my life. However, since then, especially during these short months in college, I have learned what unconditional love truly is.

The first instance of love that I learned was how to love another man. Like I always say, "no homo". In other words, I'm not gay. However, I am in touch with my sexuality enough to love my friends. Of course I love my best friend. I would take a bullet for him. I also love my friends in college, especially my roommate. I knew he was like a brother to me, but nothing tests your love like having to take care of someone when they cannot help themselves. It's the same love that I believe Jesus felt when he was washing his disciples feet. He had so much love for them as individuals, that the best way he could express it was by lowering himself and serving them the best way he could.

I also learned that unconditional love meant putting your own desires aside and realizing what was truly important. Remember the first love I told you about that ended horribly? Well, I feel like God put in my heart to finally realize that if I truly loved her unconditionally, I had to first forgive myself for my shortcomings as well as fix any hurt I caused and then truly forgive her for all the pain I felt in my heart. It sounds cliche and stupid, but honestly, I did it the other day, and it felt absolutely amazing. The most important part is to do it with good intentions. I am so secure now and I know that even if I never see this girl or talk to her again, or if nothing ever happens between us, I know the air is clear and there is no residual bitterness. In other words, just as God forgives us and gives us a clean slate, we should do likewise.

The third form of unconditional love that I learned was love through adversity. This one dawned on me, and it was quite profound. It's easy to love someone when there are no problems and everything is peachy. However, the hardest part of unconditional love is to love even when you don't have the fuzzy feelings or when you are in an argument. Anybody can get over it. Suppressing feelings does wonders. However, what turns it into unconditional love is when you can honestly admit that you were wrong and not only apologize, but do what you can to fix the situation. On the other side, you have to be willing to forgive and work things out. Love is not a destination. It is a journey. To be honest, it is a never ending journey. People have to realize that to love anything, you have to respect yourself but at the same time, put your selfish desires aside. Also, you have to be willing to improve something about yourself daily, because each day of improvement is a step in that journey. Finally, we have to realize that unless God is in it, you're not going anywhere. A car can't move without an engine, thus a relationship cannot progress without God. "Love like you've never loved before and love like it's your last chance and you're never going to love again."-Jordan Smallwood